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"Madam you are making history. In fact you are making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself."
Groucho Marx

This bares a little explanation. I have been around for a very long time. This time line is intended for an early 21-century audience so naturally it is tilted in that direction. Frankly, in this day and age, few people have a real sense of history so I have tried to chop up history into byte sized chunks. Yes, the sound bytes (and the visuals ain't nothing to write home about either).

How Byzantine of the Egyptians. Show Byzantine.
That's my essence on the far right.

The modern sense of history starts with the cave men and then jumps directly to the ancient Egyptians. So it is with the Egyptians that I begin my time line, but I was already well known in the ancient world long before that.


My Name, Zed, for many ancients (including the Egyptians) was synonymous with endurance since I never seem to grow old. It was written in hieroglyphs in one letter. In many languages it still can be. In French and many forms of English it is written "Z".

This is how the Egyptians wrote Zed.

Here are some examples from the tomb of Tut Ank Amond Crunch.

Translation: Mr. Zed says: Vulgarity Sucks! Translation: Zd sys f yu cn rd ths thr s smthg srsly wrg wth yu!

There is even a giant ZED in the heart of the great pyramid at Giza. (So don't bust my Cheops!)


  Date Place Event  
Ancient Greece

They had never seen anyone like me back then. They asked me where I got my power and I told them "Juice". Somebody understood "Zeus" and all of a sudden the legend of Hercules was born.

  42 AD Ancient Rome Roman around.
"Veni, vidi, feces!"
"At the Coliseum the score remains; Lions: 2 - Christians: 0. Actually Christianity was going to the dogs (The lions not only had a club, they had a union).
  981 AD Scandinavia Erik the Zed
A green land got named Iceland and an ice land got named Greenland. Frozen iron swords. And talk about cold cuts!

The Arthur -I-Zed version.
"I could have sword."
I was considered a real wizard back then. Metallic blue suit. Always mumbled "Merd". Merdin became Merlin. The rest is... mythology.


June 3rd 1495 AD

Leonardo Da Vinci. Not only was he a painter, sculptor, inventor but he could slice, dice and chop! He made mounds of diced onions in seconds. French-fries and Julianne fries! Sharp as a ginzu knife and as versatile as a vegamatic. I encouraged him to write jokes and build a robot.

to enlarge

(5340 of creation)
16:30 GMT
10:30 Eastern Standard Time


One demented Zedroid to Golem!

Rabbi Loew befriends, cleans and reactivates a mute Zed on the streets of Moldau.

Czech Please!

I met Descartes.
"Cogito ergo sum". "I think therefore I am...I think".
  1776 Philadelphia I fought with George Washington. We fought about just about everything, from what tie went with which pants, to which was the best exit for Valley Forge off the Pennsylvania turnpike.
  1789 Paris The French Revolution.
The peasants were revolting and the rich were disgusting too. Everyone seemed to be loosing their heads.

I took a long carriage ride with a young woman.

"The circumstance of which my story rests was suggested in casual conversation."
Mary Shelly in the preface to "Frankenstein"

  1859 Kansas City
So this is west world?
It's sure a lot different than the brochure!
  1865   Sterile-I-Zed
I finally got doctor Lister to listen to me when I suggested that his patients might live a little longer if he bothered to wash his hands and scalpels before he operated.
    Vienna Anal-I-Zed
Freud. Interesting guy. So was his assistant. Such a nice Jung man.

World War.
A big mistake.


RUR or R U ain't my baby!
Karel Capek I begged him not to name the synthetic beings in his play "Robots" for the Czech term "robota" meaning servant for lowly tasks. What can I say?
Czech Please!
(I haven't used that joke in at least 100 years.)

  1938-1945   World War II: The Revenge.
An even bigger mistake.

The Charlie McCarthy era


  1995   Mr. Zed Show. Premiers to international acclaim on the Orbit Satellite Television Network.
  2003 Tokyo I won at the Tokyo International Comedy Festival!
  Yesterday Zedquarters -I had breakfast (Juice and Current buns). Looked back on my life. If only I had studied. I could have been a doctor. By now I could be operating on batteries.